Dear Whole Foods Man Child

Dear Whole Foods Man Child,

Please stop draining the liquid out of the soups and wet buffet items, taking only the meat and solid items.

I know grown-up life can be very exciting.  When you left home, all you ate was cheese pizza and hamburgers.  Whatever YOU want right?  No mom to force you to eat stuff that looks weird and doesn't taste like safe reliable beef.  At some point though, you moved to San Francisco and you noticed that many of the restaurants you found yourself in did not serve pizza or hamburgers.  You soon realized that you could order any item listing an identifiable meat, and then simply strip mine whatever came to the table leaving behind an gastronomical disaster zone of vegetable tailings and noodle mounds.

These dinners began to have an affect on your self image;  you had had been a patron of several non-fastfood restaurants, ergo you were a man who liked good food.  "Yes, I'd like the Pepper Steak", you'd say.  Later, while scraping the sauce off with the side of your fork, with an eyebrow raised at the friend who'd ordered a dish which clearly did not cost as much, you'd chuckle to yourself, "Obviously not a foodie".

This is how you found yourself at Whole Foods.  It was confusing at first, like all those things you'd been avoiding at past dinners back to haunt you.  But you knew you belonged here, you just needed to find where the "good stuff" was.  And then you found it; the soup and buffet island.  A resource so plentiful given just a little bit of work.  Like the Army Corp of Engineers in the Florida Everglades, all you had to do was drain, drain, drain the non-important bits to leave behind dry eatable food.

You, Whole Foods Man Child, with stainless steel serving spoon in hand, dredge the bottom of the soup pot, the middle of the casserole, then lift and hold against the side of the pot.  Hold....press....hold...until all the liquid has left.  After several times, you take one final sniper run through the pot to yank out a few choice bits and then you move on.

While you are doing this I am waiting.  You are either de-flowering what I want or hovering in front of it.  When you are finally done,  you leave behind a big pot of liquid that the Whole Food staff won't realize needs replacing because it is still mostly full.  "I did it" you think, marveling at your own cunning, like the toddler who has just used the pottie all by himself.  "I did it!".  Yes Whole Foods Man Child, you certainly did.

Comments

[grahamblank]

[this is good] hilarious!

[daisy]

[this is good] Dying. 

[Lilia]

[this is good] We need a picture of this dastardly person next time!

[.tiff]

[this is good] ah hahahah 

[karen]

i'm sure his karma paid him back at the register - thank goodness they charge by weight.

[Abe]

WFMC

[tienh5]

[this is good] i hate that guy

[btrott]

[this is good]

[cmbalz]

[this is good] You made me realize that this is timeless: Reminds me of the San Francisco song, "Who Needs the Peace Corps?" on Zappa's "Mothers of Invention" album, "We're Only in It For the Money".